My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
