you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
