I wish my penis had an off switch
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
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