guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
