i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
