My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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