Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Come see our sink grown plant.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
