im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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