and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
