I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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