YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
