This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
