I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
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