what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
