Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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