home. puking in laundry basket.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
