Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
