My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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