I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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