Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
