dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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