Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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