He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
