Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
