I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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