So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
