My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
