Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
