Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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