this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
My vagina just recognized that song.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
