So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Randomize