Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
