How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize