Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
