Someone shit on the floor
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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