I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
