HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
