Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Randomize
