Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
