Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
