Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
