I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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