That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
