Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
