3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
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