as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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