I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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