i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
