I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
