I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
