I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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