mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
