he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
