It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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