I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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